It’s been a few days since my last post on the blog, and I miss being on an inspiration roll as I had been since the beginning of 2015. I’m not out of ideas (I have a couple of drafts lined up), but I haven’t been in the right mood to write lately. All of my worries about work and money have finally caught up with me, and they have shaken my confidence a bit.
It’s hard to mentally separate things in the midst of a crisis, so to make room for inspiration and creation I must try and dial down the stress response, which isn’t always easy for me. Instead of facing this moment as a downturn after an otherwise very successful year (both professionally and academically), I was told by different people (and I have been trying to tell myself) to see this as a much deserved break after working my a** off for seven months straight. That way of thinking isn’t at all unreasonable.
The problem with this take on things though is that it requires me to let go of deeply rooted ideas about success and failure. Not working a lot, not having a lot to do all at once, not having to split myself into half a dozen parts to handle everything I must do – those things always spelt “failure” to me. I’m used to working a lot, being too busy all the time, not having time to do the things I actually want to. Now that I finally have time, I’m wallowing in stress, worrying about money and bills to pay.
I don’t know how to give myself a break. I never learned to – not even with years and years of therapy under my belt. This could be the ideal time to do so, but first I have to find the stress switch inside my brain and turn it off for a while. I have to find my inner peace again and work through what’s bothering me. Having a decent amount of self-knowledge accumulated over the years, I’m sure this task is less daunting than I make it to be, but I still find myself doubting my own ability to work things out at times.
So, I hope my readers won’t mind seeing fewer posts for the next couple of weeks. I will be out here dealing with my pending issues, always trying to be my better self and learning with the process. Stay safe, stay cool, and if you have advice to share or need a partner in dealing with stress, hit me up on the comments section.
PS: Have you guys heard of a wonderful website called Contributoria? It’s a platform for independent journalism created by the British newspaper The Guardian. Yours truly pitched a story on the 25th anniversary of the East Side Gallery, in Berlin, for the April edition of their publication. Recent German history is the theme of my Master’s research, and having this story published on an international media outlet would give me a much need boost of confidence. You can help me getting there by creating an account over at Contributoria (it’s free) and donating me as many points as you feel like giving out (the points are also free). Don’t forget to check it out right here.